


First Burn

by Whattfisausername



Series: (Mostly Angst) Lams One-Shots [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton Being an Asshole, Angst, Cheating, John deserves better, M/M, Sad John, Song Lyrics, Songfic, ambiguous time period
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:27:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26553577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whattfisausername/pseuds/Whattfisausername
Summary: After John discovers Alex had been cheating on him, he burns the memories from the man the thought he knew. Originally posted here (https://www.wattpad.com/story/231885861-mostly-angst-lams-one-shots) on Wattpad, but has since been edited.
Relationships: (past) Alexander Hamilton/Maria Reynolds, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan (implied/background)
Series: (Mostly Angst) Lams One-Shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931032
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	First Burn

**Author's Note:**

> T/w: Cheating, fire.
> 
> A/n: If you’ve never listened to “First Burn” before or you don’t remember how it goes, listen before you read this. I promise this fic is so much better if you’re able to imagine John singing the song.

The Hamilton’s house was eerily quiet, as it had been for almost a week now. It lacked the usual laughter from Philip and ramblings from Alex. Tonight, Philip would laugh with Angelica, who he was staying with for the weekend. Tonight, Alex would ramble to Herc and Laff, whom he had been living with since John kicked him out.

John sat in front of the fireplace, a pile of old letters and love notes at his side, along with Alex’s cursed document, “The Reynolds Pamphlet”. He sobbed as he looked at the pile of love, the pile of promises, the pile of lies. He turned on the fireplace, watching the flames grow and dance in front of him. He briefly reconsidered his destructive purpose for said fire, as he had for the millionth time that day, but pushed those thoughts out of his head. He needed to do this. He had to destroy them.

“I saved every letter you wrote me,” He said, picking one up from the pile, studying it solemnly. He had once loved receiving them, loved breaking open the wax seal as if he was some medieval nobleman, loved following the swirls and curls of the cursive letters, love watching his collection of them grow.

“From the moment I met you, I knew you were mine. You said you were mine. I thought you were mine.” He reminisced about how he first met Alexander and how the Caribbean man had him instantly smitten.

“Do you know what Angelica said when I told her what you had done?” Angelica was the obvious choice to go to for comfort when he first learned of his husband’s affair. He couldn’t go to Peggy, despite having once been very close to her, as for some god-forsaken reason she sided with Maria, Alexander’s mistress. He couldn’t go to Eliza, as he knew Alex also had eyes for her. He knew Alex would go to Laff and Herc. That left only Angelica.

“She said, ‘You have married an Icarus. He has flown to close too the sun.’” He just wished Alex didn’t have to drag him into his fall.

“Don’t take another step in my direction. I can’t be trusted around you.” John had been very close to attacking Alex when he came home after releasing his pamphlet. Angelica and the knowledge that Philip was in the other room were the only things that controlled his rage. If not for them, who knows what John might have done in his heartbroken fury.

“Don’t, think you can talk your way into my arms. Into my arms.” Alex had tried to talk with John. He called, he texted, he sent emails. He pled for John to listen to him, if only for a moment. John just deleted his messages. He knew better than anyone of Alex’s way with words, and he didn’t dare let him again use his power of language on his emotions. That’s why he had to do this...

“I’m burning the letters you wrote me. You can stand over there if you want. I don’t know who you are. I have so much to learn. I’m re-reading your letters and watching them burn. I’m watching them burn.” He read each letter for the last time before casting them into the fire one by one. The Alex of the letters was so different from the Alex of reality, the Alex of “The Reynolds Pamphlet”, he realized. How much else was different in reality from the man he thought he married?

“You published the letters she wrote you. You told the whole world how you brought this girl into our bed. In clearing your name, you have ruined our lives.” John tossed a copy of the pamphlet into the fire as well. Not as a rejection of the words and man he wished he’d stop loving, but purely as an act of anger; Meaningless yet cathartic.

“Heaven forbid someone whisper, ‘He’s part of some scheme.’ Your enemy whispers, so you have to scream!“ That was the one thing that angered John the most. He only confessed thinking it would save his reputation and end rumours of him embezzling money. Not because he realized he made a terrible mistake and wanted to fix things, but because that mistake led to some sporadic gossip. That part was almost more infuriating than the affair itself. Alex didn't even have the decency to tell him before he published his pamphlet, instead leaving him to find out on his own. 

“I know of your lies now. I see how you look at Eliza. Don’t! I’m not naïve. I’ve seen men and women around you. Don’t think I don’t see how they fall for your charms. All of your charms!” He knew that Alex had a quality that made practically everyone around him swoon, but it wasn’t until now that he took notice of Alexander’s flirtatiousness despite being a married man.

“I’m erasing myself from the narrative. Let future historians wonder how John had reacted when you broke his heart. You have thrown it all away. Stand back, watch it burn! Just watch it all burn!” As the finishing touch, he took as many letters he could find that he had written to Alex and burned them too. Maybe then he could pretend not to love Alexander. Perhaps he could pretend that he never did. Maybe then it would become reality. Maybe then Alexander could become nothing but a footnote in the story of his life, like the rest of his family back in South Carolina.

“And when the time comes, explain to our son, the pain and embarrassment, you put his father through. When will you learn that he is your legacy? We are your legacy!” He turned off the fireplace, having burned enough paper for the time being. If he found more letters, he’d burn those too, but he couldn’t find anymore. For now, he was satisfied with the destruction he caused. The scent of burning wood and pages filled the house, as if making up for the silence.

John stood up, wiping the tears from his face, and screamed, more to himself than to Alexander, “If you thought you were mine, DON’T!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Be sure to leave a comment and Kudos!


End file.
